paradox

Last Saturday, a old friend took me to Worli Sea Face. The place require no introduction to most Mumbaikars. For years we had been hanging out in suburb Ghatkopar; A home to my school, college, and place where I made all my childhood and teenage friends. For no reason this is the place where I find myself most comfortable. Sachin told me that instead meeting in Ghatkopar let us meet somewhere else; he was tired of meeting and eating in Ghatkopar.

Generally I do not oblige to such ideas. But I have not met him long, in fact had ignored him for long. Hence decided to surrender, in fact I was more than happy to oblige as he was going to drive me to what ever place outside Ghatkopar he wanted to go. In last two years, it is rare that I left Ghatkopar when ever I was in Mumbai. I am happy I did leave this Saturday.

For most time we spent together I had very little to talk about. In the midst of Global Economic Slowdown and Financial tumble, professionally I am not doing any thing great apart from playing carom in office. Even before the markets crashed my company had shown signs that it is miss-managed and reigns the company were not in safe hands. We had mishaps one after another. To add to frustration, price of $ in country hit the bottom for small period. I knew sooner or later we will fall, will be sold, acquired and our name will be lost forever.

Most of my friends advised me to leave the sinking ship, I thought I should, but unfortunately I could not think of any place to go. I have open offers from friends to join, but I doubt if they will match my salary. Even if they match, what about the repute I have build here in last 2 years, what about freedom I enjoy, in IT not many people gets to choose and pick their projects, deny onsite/overseas travel and enjoy the tag of best in business. I would have left all this for safe abode, but all these offers and opportunities are far away from Mumbai, and my current home Pune. I do not have courage any more to leave these palaces. There was time when I had no choice, I was dragged to Hyderabad, the city I called hell then. Today it is heaven, but I do not want to die right now.

It is being long since I enjoyed the sound of silence. I heard it in Hyderabad’s Durgam Cheruvu Lake and Sydney’s Darling Harbor. I heard on the Ghats of Lonavala and Khandala, I heard it at the water falls of Niagara and heads of high smoky mountains. It was there in hills of Mahabaleshwar. Sachin did most of talking, and I continued ignoring what he was saying. He spoke in length about his career in family business and arbitration. He talks about this every time we met after college. Sometime I feel that he enjoys sulking while I am around, and no one else. With most others he is happy as he never was. But this time he sounded much positive in the story narrated earlier thousand times.

For long time now, I am sulking as well. The only reason that there is nothing really happening in my life or is it that I am not trying really hard for anything to happen. In fact I am not aware what exactly I want to happen in my life. I have everything a content men would need, family, home, a job, and friends. I think most my friends are right; I should get married, if nothing, it will turn my life upside down and for sometime I would be lost in that chaos. I think this sound of silence which I was enjoying was illusion. Was it hollowness that needs to be filled? Is it absolute idle state of mind which needs something to focus on, or is plain regret that I am not able to make everybody happy, especially my loved ones. There was time when I used to be too eager to meet my friends; I had skip a dinner just to get the glimpse of them. Today I am afraid of the same people, intentionally or unintentionally I end up ignoring and avoiding them.

I know this is just another of those low phase in life when the morale hit bottom. It will pass on like the previous editions. I have this unmatched and ubiquitous ability to bring my chips down for no good reason. While everything in life is so good, I am feeling like looser, feeling like everything I have is useless, and everything I do not have are only important things in life. I think I only thing I need now is change.

Let is move towards chaos from silence.